Tricky days lately.
Last summer, my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer. She went through some chemo, which made her unbearably sick, so she continued with just radiation for a few months. In March of this year, Grammy was declared cancer-free by her doctors! We were all so excited!
Our joy was short-lived, however, because she visited her doctors with a cough in late July, and was told that her cancer had returned, and there wasn't much that could be done to stop it now. Our whole family was devastated. Our Grammy is so strong, and is still completely mentally present, at 83 years old.
I am very torn. Grammy is the first close family member I've had who has been in real danger of dying, and I'm not totally sure what to do with myself. On one hand, she has lived a very full, happy, and pretty long life. However, The thought of losing my Grammy just makes me cry. Generally, I'm very good at compartmentalizing this type of thing. I just don't think about it and I don't get upset. I know this isn't really healthy, but it's just the way I handle things. And then again, she could fight this round of cancer, and beat it into submission, too! Cancer is weird that way, some people can just beat it totally, without a good explanation of how.
Where this sadness becomes most difficult is when the Little Man is around. I'll read an email (like the one my uncle wrote about his recent visit with Grammy), or talk to someone on the phone, and I just get sad again and start crying. It's almost like I don't even know what I'm feeling, just that I'm crying. When this happens and the Little Man is in the room., he notices right away that I am crying. He asks, "Mommy sad? Mommy crying?" I don't know how to explain it to a three-year-old. My best information was that my Grammy is very sick and it makes me sad. I wish she would get better and not be sick anymore. Then LM usually tells me to put my glasses back on (those who have worn glasses know why you must remove them when crying). I told him the other day i would put them back on when I was all done crying. A few minutes of chatting later, LM asked, "You all done crying, Mommy?" When I said yes, he exclaimed, "You not sad anymore, Mommy! You can put your glasses back on, Mommy!" Which, of course, made me laugh, and I stopped thinking about it.
Big Man had some words of wisdom for me that really helped him when his uncle and grandfather were sick. It is a quote from "Zorba," I think from the movie, but it may be from the musical. A man asks Zorba (speaking about a third man), "What is wrong with him?", and Zorba replies, "Nothing wrong, he is dying." The simplicity of viewing death as a natural part of life, something that is supposed to happen and that nothing is wrong when it happens really spoke to my husband. Maybe I can find some of the same peace myself.
I don't really know what to do about these feelings, or what to do with them when the Little Man is around. I want to show him that it's OK to be sad, and that it is OK to cry sometimes. But, I can't just be sad all the time? Can I?
